@AmishSuperModel

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

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@OneFunnyMummy

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

@marcusthetoken

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

@nettie0918

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

@MegsHAUSTED

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

@badbanana

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.