The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.


I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.


Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3


Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs


“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.


I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0


Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever


65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.