The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S