The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
You Might Also Like
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5