The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?