The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel