The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
LOOOOOOL
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Huge”.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween