“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
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My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.