the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
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Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Owl Sanctuary
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash