the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I love wikipedia
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Not all heroes wear capes…
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
