The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.