The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Saturday
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know