The answer is funnier than the question
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
me irl
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
How animals would run if they were human
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Donkey Kong sommelier
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!