The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
United Steaks of America