the answer was staring at me all along
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald