THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that