The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat