The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Thursday
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Finally a use for spoilers…
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.