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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.