The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Finally
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*