The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
dude it’s called proctologist
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.