The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Raisins are grape jerky.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”