the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
OMG 🤣🤣
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder