The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
You Might Also Like
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
#FunnyLife Insects
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked