The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
new shirt idea
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.