The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks