Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Dudes named Chance never had one.