@LostFelicia

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

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@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

@ilovecuredmeats

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@PHDaniel_Street

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

@iamburtjarvis

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

@Amusitr0n

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

@EndhooS

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

@Shariv67

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.