The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it