The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts


4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.


So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.


Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…


Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.


Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…


british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]


Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*


“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.


Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.