The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
And that about sums it up.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*