The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
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Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.