@mejustbeth

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

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@HeyoShellz

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

@HeresCunty

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

@DBMaxP

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

@YoungNobler

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

@AndrewsNotFunny

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@MunkMania

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

@duumb

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

@Quartzjixler

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work