The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.