The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
bro what is going on at twitter
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Tastes like chicken.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one