The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.