@kelkulus

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

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@_wangwe

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

@AaronFullerton

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

@naazihah

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

@HavocMantis

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

@ch000ch

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

@_wangwe

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here