The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.