The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
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LOL
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?