The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.