The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I saw nothing
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
So that’s what we looked like?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to