The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
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cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
getting groceries
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs