The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.


ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.


THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable


Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.


INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what


That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.


I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.


“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman