the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree