The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
You Might Also Like
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
my one true gender
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks