The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
You Might Also Like
LMAO.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me recordaron éste meme
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If you know, you know
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call