The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!