Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.