The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.