the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
me irl
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun