The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.