The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
What a chick magnet..
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah