The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.