The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

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COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…


I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.


If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.


The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”


Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text


I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming