COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I saw this ending much differently.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming