The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

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Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult


*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.


My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…


Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom


“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children


‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.