The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.