The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.