The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
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I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My Guy
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.