The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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Body by sandwich.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
do what now??
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.