The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
oh shit
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”