The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]