The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram