The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
tourist season
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Not today.. 😂
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.