The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*