The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
money maker
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*